Affirmation
by AStarGazingGirl
Summary: They had shared so much last year. She was like a book that had been sitting unloved on the library shelf for too long. Remus/Tonks at the end of HBP through DH with glimpses into OotP. Cannon. Please r/r I could use some constructive criticism.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did Lupin and Tonks would still be alive. I should also say that I do not own Savage Garden; but, I do thank them for the chapter names. I always think of Lupin and Tonks when I listen to them.

To the Moon and Back

Remus Lupin felt like he was four years old again. He felt like the time he had lost his mother at the market and thought he was never going to see her again, only this time he knew there was not going to be a happy reunion. Dumbledore was dead. The only person who Voldemort ever feared was dead. This couldn't be good. In all but a year he had lost Sirius, again, and now this. It didn't seem fair to him. How much was one man supposed to be able to take? How much more could he lose and still be whole? The universe just seemed out to get him...

Tonks couldn't move. She just sat speechless as he broke down. She knew this was beyond her, and even if it wasn't she knew he didn't want her. He had been so firm. All the foolish school girl dreams had been just that. The laughter, the quirky inside jokes , the real sense of connection. She didn't think she was just making them up,but it looked like she was. Then all of a sudden it just welled up. She knew she was being selfish. Dumbledore was dead. She knew Remus was going through his own private hell, but so what? She had been going through hell for the past year. Listening to Fleur talk about how she didn't care about Bill being bitten was just the inspiration she needed. Who cared if it was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts? Who cared if everyone would hear? If she didn't do it now she wouldn't ever get her chance. Then it happened. She just blurted it all out. Right there in front of everyone. The rush and the relief hit her at once. She clung to him even though she knew it's not what he needed. She had been strong for a year. It was time to go into outer space and make a wish on a star. It was time to let the world know she was in love with a werewolf and she didn't care. She needed his love.

"Well dear, that was quite the show you put on back there." Molly Weasley said as she and Tonks walked up the High street in Hogsmeade. Tonks was going back to her little flat above Madam Puddifoot's. She just nodded to Molly. The whole situation still felt like an out of body experience to her. She didn't think she would ever know what came over her.

"I can't say I blame you though, dear, although I will say there was probably a better time for it." mused Molly.

"I know. I just had to get it out and now that I have I don't know what else to feel," Tonks finally spoke. "I wish I would have waited. Maybe then I would have had a … I don't know, a chance," she finished lamely. They had reached her door. Molly hugged her and gave her a rueful smile.

"I think you have a bigger chance than you think, dear. Remus just has a lot on his plate right now. He'll come around. Get some sleep. You have had a long night. Are you sure you don't want to come back to the Burrow? There is plenty of room. You look like you shouldn't be alone."

Tonks shook her head "I'll be fine for the night. I just just going to shower and sleep. We'll have a lot to do at work tomorrow what with all that has happened. Thanks for the offer though. I just need to be alone and digest all that's happened."

As she opened the door the door to her flat she almost instantly regretted her decision. The flat was so cold and uninviting. It reflected how Tonks had felt the past year. She had always been so bubbly; but, she couldn't deal with the way he had left her. He didn't even say goodbye. The beautifully worded letter he wrote her said it would be too hard. That no matter how much she thought she loved him, when she met someone her own age, she would feel differently. She would move on and be happy. It said all the things he had said on every other occasion he allowed himself to be close to her. That she deserved better and other such rubbish. It was all a lie. She knew he was trying to be noble and let her get away, but she wanted him. She didn't think she could go on unless he came back around to her.

They had shared so much last year. She was like a book that had been sitting unloved on the library shelf for too long. It had been nice to get pick up and read through. Have her pages ruffled around and have someone get lost inside her. She need to leave. She headed out the door and walked the familiar path the Hogshead.

Remus Lupin sat at the Hogshead, firewhiskey in hand reliving the night. Rather, trying to drown the night out. He had never been much of a drinker; but, he thought he deserved to get pissed tonight. He felt like he had been to hell. That he was having an out of body experience. That maybe if he concentrated hard enough he would wake up from the nightmare he was having and everything would be okay. That he would find himself at home, in his bed with Tonks beside him, breathing softly and holding him close telling him it was only a dream. He didn't have to worry. That it would all be okay.

He was pushed back into reality by a thin, mousy haired witch falling in the front door of bar. He knew instantly who it and jumped to stand, wondering briefly if she had known he was here. Looking for a quick place to hide he dived into an old booth in the corner.

"Wotcher," said Tonks glowing bright red. "Sorry about that. I didn't notice the step." He watched as she sat down and ordered a firewhiskey. She looked so thin. So sad. It really did kill him to know that he was the cause of her pain but he still stood firm in his reasoning. They didn't belong together. She would see it in time. It worried him still, though. He knew she still wouldn't let it go at Christmas, but that was six months past. He had expected to find her healing now. If anything she looked more haggard. More sad and alone. She looked just as he felt. He was so absorbed in her face that he didn't notice that she had lowered herself off the stool she had sat upon. She looked directly at him now and slowly started to walk over. It was almost as though she was giving him the chance to run. The funny thing was, that now that he had the chance, he didn't want to take it. He stayed firmly in his seat and watched as she sat in the seat opposite him.

"You should have moved quicker if you didn't want me to see you. I am an Auror you know. Just because I am clumsy doesn't mean I don't notice people dodging out of the way," she said and she sipped her drink looking at him with a quavering smile. She looked like she was going to burst into tears at any second. The effect was more than he could handle. It took every ounce of self preservation he had not to tug her close to him. Not to comfort her.

"Reflexes aren't what they used to be," was all he could muster as a reply.

"How are you doing?" Thank God she was looking down. He wanted her to look at him, but he didn't know if he could bear her face.

"Better than I thought I was going to be. You?"

The "you" seemed to catch her by surprise. She didn't expect him to ask. She didn't expect him to care.

"Been better, been worse. I feel like I should apologize about what I did tonight. I didn't mean to jump on you. It had just been so long. I was so worried about you. I was so scared and I know it wasn't the time, or the place, but I had to get it out. I had to make it known. Remus I love you. I am in love with you. I can't help it and I don't want to, I just want you." She was still staring at her drink. Her expression was rock hard though. She looked ready to fight. Her eyes narrowed into little slits, mouth pursed. Really she looked cuter than he had ever seen her before, but he knew not to underestimate that face. It was an expression he had seen on many occasions, none more memorable than their first kiss.

He could hear them yelling as soon as he walked in the door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. Another foot in and he could smell the cigarette smoke wafting up the kitchen stairs. It beckoned him forward and, before he knew what he was doing, he was wandering down the steps into the smoke filled kitchen. Sirius and Nymphadora sat, bulging ashtray sitting between them, a half drunk bottle of Ogden's Own Firewhiskey beside it.

"Mooooney!" Sirius slurred. "Come join the party," he said as he stood and offered a pack of Lucky Strikes to the amused Lupin.

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks said brightly snatching the full pack out of Sirius's hands and taking one for herself. "Sirius has been telling me about your adventures at Hogwarts." She looked up at him giggling. "Why didn't you tell me you used to be such a cool guy?"

"Ahhh, well I didn't want you to get the wrong impression of me, Nymphadora." Lupin replied taking the lit cigarette out of Tonk's mouth and bringing it to his own. "I'll take that, seeing as they are mine in the first place." He sat down at the table chuckling at Tonk's face as she watched him inhale deeply on his cigarette. She looked quite lovely today, pink hair perfectly spiked with black eyeliner rimming her bright grey eyes in a very becoming manner. "So what's the reason for this impromptu celebration?"

"It's my dear little cousin's birthday and she has had to spend all day at the office so I invited her over for drinks. With drinks came the need for smokes and I didn't think you would mind, seeing as it's the kid's birthday and all." Sirius said helping himself to another Lucky Strike, handing Tonk's one as well.

"Well that does make it tougher to say 'no', you are right. Pour me a drink and we'll call it even." Lupin didn't know what had come over him. He never did this anymore. The last time he got properly pissed was Lily and Jame's wedding. Maybe it was the sting of the "used to be such a cool guy' remark. He didn't know why, but for some reason, one Miss Nymphadora Tonks had taken over his mind completely lately. "Happy Birthday, Nymphadora!" he said raising his newly filled mug into the air.

"It'll be a lot happier if you STOP CALLING ME NYMPHADORA!" huffed the birthday girl after draining her glass. "Such a horrible name. Can't we change it? Just for my birthday? Pleeeese? I want to be... I don't know, Violet. Yes. Pleased to meet you I am Violet." she said with decision.

Suddenly out of no where Sirius busted out laughing, choking on the smoke he had just inhaled. Lupin had turned a violent shade of red and was gulping down his whiskey with such speed she was afraid he was going to choke. "I didn't know I was that funny." Tonks said looking confused and quite drunk. "What's going up...on...?" she demanded.

"It's not you, it's the name," said the newly recovered Sirius, Lupin shooting him a death glare and wordlessly willing him not to speak. He knew the story was coming anyway when Sirius took a deep breath. There was no point in trying to stop his drunken best friend. The story rolled out of Sirius's smoke filled mouth with relish.

"When we were in our fifth year, long before you ever entered the charming school of Hogwarts, Moony here had it bad for a girl in the year below us name Violet Kressley. She was the be all end all of hot girls in the school. Big blue eyes and long blonde hair. I swear she had, to this day, the most amazing set of legs I have ever seen on a girl. Well Moony decided he was going to go after her. He wrote her poems, bought her flowers, did all of it as a secret admirer to make it more romantic. She didn't have a clue who was going after her. Well, finally are dear old boy decides to reveal himself to her. He sent her a note that told him to meet her in Hogsmeade at Madam Puddifoot's on the next weekend out. Well Lupin gets all dressed up even borrows some 7th years terrible aftershave to add to the classiness. So, he gets to Puddingfoots, er Puddinferts, well anyway he gets there and she is waiting. So the sexiness that is Lupin here saunters on over to the table and Violet immediately starts sneezing. Her eyes water and she is just sneezing these dainty little sneezes all over the place. Well Lupin being the gentleman that he is gets her water and sits her down, but she just can't stop. She is a good sport though and talks to Lupin the entire time and man are they hitting it off. James and I, who were hiding in the corner, couldn't believe how well he was doing. So he goes into kiss her and all of a sudden she sneezes all over his face. This is not one of her dainty little sneezes, either. There are boogies hanging off the ceiling after this sneeze to end all sneezes. Then to make matters worse, she does it again. She sneezed on you how many times?"

"Twelve," Lupin spoke up looking about as red a person could look. "She was allergic to the aftershave I had put on," he said shamefacedly.

"What I don't understand is why you didn't move away while the barrage of sneezes was happening?" piped up Sirius. "I have always wondered that."

"Well my dear, drunk friend, I was still hoping to be kissed by the best legged girl in the school. I am stilled quite angry I never got to kiss Violet." Lupin finished the story and downed his second mug of whiskey all in the same breath. He lit another cigarette and puffed.

After a moment Tonks looked up, her eyes slightly glazed over but sparking with an idea. "I'll kiss you, Remus. I know I am not Violet Kressley, but my name is Violet, so it's kind of the same thing!" In her drunken mind the logic worked. Sirius seemed all for it as well exclaiming "There you go Moony. You have a chance to kiss a Violet after all. Do it... dooooo it. You know you waaaaaant to."

Remus did want to. He really wanted to kiss Nymphadora, whether she was Violet or not. The firewhiskey was have some affect on him. He knew it wasn't just the alcohol though. Ever since he had met her, Nymphadora Tonks couldn't and wouldn't stay out of his head. There was just something about the way she laughed at all the same things he did, liked the same Muggle music, read the same old books over and over and over again. How they both didn't like jam on there toast, only extra butter. How chocolate was like religion to both of them. Ten million and one little things that make Remus feel like he was going to the moon and back when he saw her. He knew it wouldn't work though. He knew she didn't think of him like that. He was old and poor and had nothing to offer this vivacious, pixyish girl. After all he was sick and no one new ever wanted him. She deserved someone better.

"Oy Remus!" BOOM, she was an inch from his face. "Are you going to kiss Violet or not?" she asked, eyes slit, mouth pursed. Her face like a rock. She wasn't going to move until he answered her; and, without thinking, he pulled her in and kissed her. She didn't pull away. On the contrary she pulled herself into him more, parting his lips with her tongue, nibbling his bottom lip softly. He pulled back, startled by her enthusiasm. He was not expecting that.

Nobody spoke for a moment and then Sirius filled everyone's glass raising his above his head. The two others followed suit the toast being "To Remus for finally getting to kiss Violet." They each drained their respective vessels, passed around the cigarettes again and went back to talking about nothing as they had done before. Only this time Lupin noticed that Tonks kept catching his eye, and grinning. He felt like he was on the moon.

Lupin snapped out of his reverie to see the same rock hard glare that was staring him down before; and, without thinking about any consequences, he grabbed Nymphadora's face and kissed her. He didn't know if he was ready for forever yet, but the soft touch of her lips made him think he was. He didn't want to hurt her again. He did love her, he just didn't deserve her. But, surrender was sweet and he could feel the longing as she hungrily kissed him back. They broke apart after a moment and wordlessly left the bar. Tonks led the way back to her flat.

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